We beg them to run, contest, and
re-contest, to continue ruling us forever. Some have been ruling us even before
the days of Methuselah, some since 1985, some since 1999. Being a very religious
people, we constantly fast and pray that they go on providing us with the constant
light, security, free and quality education, good roads, housing, healthcare, and
all the dividends of democracy they spoil us with. And, they have always
supplied us with these amenities from the deepness of their kind, benevolent pockets,
to the detriment of their persons, families and numerous business interests and
associates. Yes, they have made their wealth before they ventured into
politics, and they have always dug deep
into their coffers to provide all our needs. So, we are right to beg them to
continue ruling us forever.
They have being unable to send their own
children to school as they cannot afford the fees. This is because they have
spent all their resources on sending our children to choice schools abroad – to
Harvard, to Oxford, to SOAS. So, their children sit down at home, or some only manage
to attend rodents-infested community schools where they struggle with snakes,
lizards and scorpions for spaces on the dusty classroom floors, receive their lessons from unmotivated teachers,
who just returned from a nine-month strike, and are rather concentrating on peeling
egusi seeds in class, which they hope
to sell after school to fend for their families - they have not being paid
their salaries for donkey months.
We beg them to contest because our rulers
use their personal fortunes, which they had inherited from their pre-colonial
ancestors to supply us the constant water and electricity we enjoy today. (please,
I didn't say they were bequeathed with bans of yams and cocoa yams. I meant
pounds, dollars, euros. Mba nu, they
didn't inherit naira o; the exchange value was worthless then just as it is now).
Now, they have no resources left to light their own houses. So, they live in
perpetual darkness, sweat all night, and open their creaking windows to let air
into their rooms. And instead of the foul-smelling air, it is mosquitoes that sing for them, eerily reminding them of
Michael Learns to Rock’s Sleeping Child.
They suffer these because they have learnt
to rock their comfort because of you, because of me, because their undying
love for Nigerians.
We beg them to contest because without
them we would be homeless: We live in and enjoy the warmth and comfort of the
cosy houses, mansions and state of the art duplexes they have built and
graciously donated to us. (I mean cosy houses and mansions, not Cosy Orjiakor.
I am not thinking of vain boobs here). The palatable mansions at Igbere, Bourdillon
Road, Minna Hiltop, etc. are a few example of the houses they built for us.
Then, they live in thatched houses, like the ulo-aja-agadi-nwayi in my village. They pack themselves, wives and countless
children in one-room apartments at Amukoko. Some of them sleep under the bridges.
After all, housing has always been a key component of their 7-point, 14-point
and 21-point Agenda. They sacrifice their comfort and die that we may live (no
pun intended). We live in Maitama, Asokoro, Victoria Island, Lekki, Ikoyi,
whereas they live at Amukoko, Maraba, Okpoko and Ajegunle.
We beg them to contest, because we owe
our sustenance to them. They feed us, clothe us, open their Swiss bank accounts
in our names, and transfer ownership of their oil blocks to us. They provide us
with imported marinated and pre-cooked pork ribs, oxtails, lamb chops, beef fillet
steak and chicken breakfast sausages, while they eat dry-sun-scorched ponmo. In fact, they have even banned
the consumption of ponmo, so that
they won’t have to eat at all. They want to start fasting for our salvation. They're
also going to hide under 'the hides and skins' of the ponmo whenever hunger beckons, and dares to interrupt their fast.
Then, they would use the hides and skins they're hiding under to produce
leather belts and bulala, to whip
hunger off our bellies forever. Oh, how they love us!
Unfortunately, while we were still pleading
with them to contest and re-contest, real sad news filtered in that President
Jonathan refuses to re-contest as he prefers to spend more time with Aunty
Peace who had just employed an English professor from Cambridge as one of her PAs. David Mark refuses to re-contest as
he prefers to retire back to Oturkpo to enjoy the development he has brought them.
Gen. IBB ruled himself out, opting instead for a medical trip abroad as he had graciously
donated all the hospitals he built to the people.
Hon. Tambuwal was yet undecided and was
still consulting with the legion of SANs battling to save his speakership. Alhaji
Atiku declined to run, insisting that he has not learnt enough Yoruba language
to convince the Asiwaju-of-Nigeria and
members of the Lagos State House of Assembly that he would not do unto them as
he did unto OBJ. Gen. Buhari had no money to purchase his nomination forms, hence
he pulled out of the race. Mallam el-Rufai was still searching for office-cleaner
jobs for his daughters, and chose not to be distracted by our deafening pleas
for him to run.
Owelle Rochas had suddenly lost his
multi-lingual prowess, and was rather concentrating on getting his mojo back so
as to be able to sell himself to Northern voters in future elections. Sir OUK
was far away in the Caribbean holding an important caucus session with the
Queen on how to replicate his Abia wonders in the UK, and hence unavailable.
There was much wailing in the land. The
people sought for their rulers but could not find them. The people would be
doomed if their beloved rulers decide not to continue to rule them.
Then, when it seemed that all hope was
lost, behold a prophecy came through a certain Prophet, sorry, Professor Pius
Adesanmi as he ministered at the 60th birthday lectures of Pastor Tunde Bakare
on November 14th, 2014. Hear the vision the Prof. saw:
'Suddenly,
the people begin to weep and roll on the ground, begging you to rule them
forever, donating money to buy forms for you. People whose skin is already so
black here in sub-Saharan Africa, you make them acquire a TAN! In one of the
funnier and more tragic scenarios, a soldier turned politician even wept! He
was moved to tears that his people were so desperate to have him represent them
forever that they put together their widow’s mite, their mechanic’s mite, their
vulcanizer’s mite, owo oniru owo oniyo,
(and I dare to add: ego nzama, ego
apliliko umu-boy), and bought his nomination form. How moving! And David
Mark wept! And Jesus wept that David Mark wept!'
And the revelation of the Prof jolt us
back to reality. We realize we have been taken for fools all long by our farcical rulers, their pretense and crocodile tears.
We now come to realize that this was not
the trend during the 1964, 1965, 1979,
1983 and even the 1999 elections. Then, aspirants were sure of themselves,
their capabilities, their intentions, their manifestos, and the size of their pockets. Nobody , not
even friends, family, or constituents begged them to contest, and they were not
perpetually consulting.
In any case, our collective sympathies go
to friends of Hon. Tambuwal who arranged N27.7 million to purchase a nomination
form for him, begging him to run for president. The embattled Speaker, after
consulting, has said 'thank you very
much, but I'm not contesting', and the APC won't refund the dough. Buhari opted
for the better option of borrowing to
purchase his nomination forms, so his Squealer did a better job.
All of a sudden, our rulers have become
poor, impoverished like the majority of Nigerians they have maimed over the
years. Yet, they still live in mansions, fly in a harem of private jets, move
in convoys with a fleet worth over N200 million, and adorn the most expensive agbada, danshiki and isi agu apparels. One wonders what new
ideas people who have been in government all their lives, held various essential
positions in government, and yet made no tangible impacts can offer now. One also
wonders what plans such individuals being begged to contest elections, and who
are still consulting to run for president two or three months to the
presidential election have to offer the country. This can only happen in
Nigeria. Shuo, Naija no dey carry last now!
MAURICE
CHUKWU,
Legal Practitioner based in Lagos. mauricechukwu@gmail.com. 08032332734
No comments:
Post a Comment